Too wild to last
Too rare to break." ~ Atticus ~
It's a hard thing to transition from the previous post to another life or topic. Some clean up probably needs to be done. I'm pretty sure many of you have had tumultuous other worldly relationships so you will understand.
Literally hundreds if not thousands of memories of Raymond have rushed through to me since the last Hi noted in the previous post... many giving opportunity to reflect on and acknowledge and support his statement later in our lives that neither one of us had been taught how to have a healthy relationship or for that matter any relationship. This moment of clarity came during an "I Love You but I Hate You" rant after he was busted for pretending to be drunk during a beat on the door and let me in episode while we were continuing ... before I moved myself and his only Son out of town for the 2nd time. He told me that he just wanted the Love but the Hate in all the drama we had put each other through just kept taking over as well as all those so called friends around us that didn't help either. I'm not saying this quite right but it really doesn't matter as it's another one of the unspoken things between 2 people who have Forged through the Fires of Heaven and Hell.
Fact is our primary issue was Vietnam. Too soon back, too much PTSD, too much time there in his head and not enough time here in the present. Too much guilt over things that he and his Battalion had done. Additionally he lost a friend on the Quad who had been ordered to take his place while he was being reprimanded. He felt that his life should have been taken and not the life of his friend. Combine that with losing his brother in a car wreck with the same plot, Raymond should have been driving and not his brother. Combine that with getting run out of his home and State by the Father of his then girlfriend, the Mother of his Only Daughter... whom he thought at the time he would never see....all this led to countless times of telling me that he didn't deserve me, he didn't deserve a life and he did not deserve to have anything normal... yet the look in his eyes claimed every sweet minute of life he could get... and that's not counting his home life growing up with a dirt poor bunch of siblings in rural America run amock. And that's just on his side. My side didn't have all the "current" players but it sure had a bunch of past players involved in my Parents lives that affected mine to the nth degree. I felt guilty for things that I was not even alive yet to see or do and I was held accountable for them as well. Combined with being raised as an only child on a ranch in the middle of nowhere when I had half brothers and sisters 2 miles away that were not allowed to see me or my parents. Combined with being farmed out to over 30 families and friends to live with off an on until I was 16 due to my Mom always being sick and in the hospital - I was the poster child for a stable partner. When I said that Raymond and I knew each other other immediately, we really did. He was right, we just didn't have the skills to get through it in a "regular" manner. So we chose to get through it in a highly irregular manner. Til Death do us Part was never in our agreement.
"Just stopped by to say Hi..."
A few nights ago he woke me up rather slowly with his classic tease laughter... the first was off in the distance as if in another room, the second and third were so real and so close and so intense that in my semi awake state I reached to swat him as I had done thousands of times. I couldn't figure out how he had gotten away from me because he was so close that I could feel and smell him ... Heartbroken and elated at the same time I cried myself back to sleep. That afternoon, his Only Son came in talking about some Vet movie that Stiffler (Matt Best) had made that was to die for - Range 15, the Black Rifle Coffee youtube stuff etc. and the dark sense of humor that we came to love and live with through Raymond. Some time later I found the channels and started watching some of the uploads. I found Raymond's home that afternoon.... same stuff that I lived with 46 years ago and every day of every year since then was right there a click of a button away. One of them in particular set me laughing hysterically for a couple of hours before I cried like crazy for the rest of the night. The theme was aboutyou know you're a Vet if... it included a clip of the wife driving and the Vet backseat driving while sitting in the passenger seat and I totally lost it... this is the tease laughter that woke me up, this is me swatting him to stop spinning me up with "go left here no right no MISS THAT no go left STOP GUN IT BACK UP pull over right here"... my Hell it was instant playback of Raymond making me a better race driver or Raymond making me make my car believe it was a heavy duty pick up truck or us going to get a burger or Raymond taking me to some new outdoor place for peace and quiet... because he could not go to places that were loud and or that had any type of bang.. . I could tell him to shut up a hundred times, he would laugh, I would swat, he would laugh, I would tell him to shut up, he would give a new direction and this would go on and on... and then when he could see that I was completely flustered and ready to plant the flag right up his ass he would pull back a little in the passenger seat, grin from ear to ear, put his hands up in a dandy pose, flick his cigarette and say "home James".... and I would melt.
"You were the first, you'll be the last
Wherever you go, I'll be with you
Whatever you want, I'll give it to you
Whenever you need someone
To lay your heart and head upon
Remember, after the fire, after all the rain
I will be the flame"
If you haven't lived it you don't get it. If you get it then find your Forged Mate whether dead or alive and tell them how much you truly love them... whether you ever get your act together in this life or not really doesn't make one damn bit of difference .... state your Love and then keep a spot of Honor for them in your Heart rather than a spot of fury, anger and denial.
Any way you cut it, they are ALWAYS ON YOUR MIND