It's been a confusing week at best.
The schizophrenic weather has been as confused as I am. Our Only Son has been in a great deal of pain as a result of it.
Work issues still persist that in my personal opinion could have been resolved weeks ago, Rather than telling me two months ago, information has just been made known to me that would have greatly eased my mind in regards to a Contract Bridge in my employment.
A repair issue has been discovered in my home with my toilet and my floor that can only be resolved slowly due to the physical impairment of our Only Son. The root cause of the problem is still being reviewed.
And then there are the damn income taxes and the ridiculous penalty via OC that had been implemented for having no insurance for our Only Son. This whole issue is another story which actually has already been posted about. Although the new President did issue an Executive Order regarding this, there is no clear answer about paying the penalty which I am hard pressed to be able to do.
As I drove up to the Dentist's office mid-week to get my crown prep work done, I was struck with a pretty good asthma attack.. I was fine until I stopped the truck, then I wasn't fine so it took awhile to get ramped back down with the laughing gas which never makes me laugh. Couldn't figure out what was up with this until it was time for the temporary to be seated and then it became abundantly clear. Although I have gone to this Dentist for almost 30 years, they have recently had some questionable Assistant changes... and I got one of the questionables assigned to seat it. Needless to say, I was back in the office first thing the next morning with my temp crown in a paper cup. The thing to note here is that the place in me that "knows" knew there would be some sort of trouble with this and hence the asthma attack. I can never explain this. Raymond came to not question it either. Sometimes things just are and I know them without knowing them.
This week has been very frustrating as I'm a point and shoot kind of a person when it comes to problem solving so foot dragging, not getting direct answers and not doing the job drive me crazy. Once I began to understand from Raymond about standing up for myself this "trait" emerged as a giant genie that try as he would he could never quite stuff back into the bottle.
"So please believe me
My heart is in your hands
And I'll be missing you"
As Raymond's presence has been very strong the last few months, I asked for his help in addition to God's and Archangel Michael's in keeping his only Son calm in regards to the toilet situation and also asked if he could share some helpful repair info with him. I chose to leave a note about it so that his Only Son could have his ballistic reaction pretty much over with by the time I got home from work. I spent the whole morning agonizing with several different scenarios playing through my mind. Somewhere around noon, I heard Raymond say "don't worry about it" and all the tension drained from my body. By the time I got home I had forgotten all about it. His Only Son had done some assessment with no clear answers and sure enough, he approached me in a questioning "well now what" and "it looks like this" frame of mind rather than being stuck to the ceiling. When we got to the part of the conversation regarding what tools and supplies may be needed for repairs he immediately asked if I remembered the flooring in his Dad's kitchen to see if I would like to replace it with that.... I don't remember the flooring in his Dad's kitchen, but I do remember that I asked his Dad to help him with suggestions for repairs. Just stopped by to say Hi!
The morning after the crown incident, Raymond presented himself to me in a sudden electrifying and lengthy manner. Another intense and compelling flood of his Love, tenderness, circumstance information, unsolved problem resolution and an undeniable statement of his intent and resolve towards me left me in a state of pure peace for several hours. Peace that was filled with answers and no more puzzles, acknowledgement of just knowing that the puzzles are not so important anymore. Peaceful acknowledgement that I have been running for my Life since the night that he told me I deserved someone better than him and peaceful acknowledgement that I no longer need to keep running. It was an amazing feeling and incredible experience that lasted several hours. Just stopped by to say Hi!
And then, just as suddenly as it started it stopped. I couldn't feel him with me anymore. I continued to talk to him from time to time however, I just didn't feel as hooked up with him for a couple of days as I had been feeling for the last few months. I'm not sure where he went off too and in the end it really doesn't matter. This other worldly thing can be pretty frustrating as well.
Although I have been to the "other side", the only thing I remember about it is the incredible peace, the light, the window, Raymond and his instruction about the window...and that I was not at all happy to be brought back.
Today Raymond returned with this song. I can't even put into words what this means to me. This is totally about our scene at his Death. Although he remained unconscious, I "knew" he was waiting for the distraction to get out of his room. We had had too many conversations about this. The words of the song sum up what he got across to me in the moments we were finally alone. He sent me this in sort of a blast as soon as I took his hand and told him it was just him and me and his only Son, that the distraction had left the building. Then he started to relax his breathing a bit, we spoke a little to him, he totally relaxed and then he caught that train and left us. So today's song is to renew and refresh our Contract. It is also a reminder to not freak out during times that he may be otherwise occupied on the "other side" and to support him over there with all my Love and strength just as he is supporting me with all of his Love and strength over here on this side in our own Contract Bridge because literally, his Heart is in my hands.
The importance of this seemingly simple action may never have occurred to me without this "Hi!" and I'm sure that it has not occurred to many others.