Raymond would get a good laugh over this "Heathen Angel" thought. For me, not so funny but I can see it's appeal to him.
It's strangely comforting to receive communications from him in the form of Songs and Lyrics. We had a few favorite songs. We both had favorite singers and groups and although I loved most of his, he was not all that fond of mine. Mostly he tolerated them but sometimes the Teaser in him would just take over and be ruthless for awhile. Generally we would collapse in laughter at the end of these episodes which as a rule led to some of the brief moments of respite in the intenseness of love, tenderness and laughter as mentioned previously. Intense being the operative word. We did nothing without intenseness.
"I'm just jealous of the Angels around the Throne tonight!"
For whatever reason, at this time it seems that he has chosen songs that I instantly relate to and zero in on what he is trying to tell me. I told him even Heathens needed Angels or folks who acted like Angels and he hesitated, paused and redirected. So here we are with a great Irish singer and a beautiful heartfelt song stating my truth at this time in this plane on earth while the "Irish" part of it reflects our Black Irish Heritage, the undeniable blood evidence of our forging and the inescapable path of our future.
The songs he sends to me make perfect sense. The timing and delivery are spot on and the look, feel and sense of the whole operation is done in true Raymond Fashion with a few feathers hanging out of his mouth.. but I digress.
I'm truly thankful for this plethora of information, communication and opportunity. It had been a very long dry spell without him.
"I didn't know today would be our last
Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast
I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore
Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door
And tell me that I was only dreamin'
You're not really gone as long as I believe"
Way back when, when I moved back into the State all those years ago, his only Son had a friend that lived a few doors down that had a heart of gold, not much sense and was wilder and crazier than anything I had ever seen... if that was even possible. This kid was over the top. If you were on his side, you had no better protection and a laugh a minute. If you were on his wrong side you had no worse enemy, there was no mercy and no humor. Fun loving, wilder than a March Hare, crazy, loyal and big hearted he found himself a girlfriend while they were teens that somehow was able to bring him down a notch or two so that at least a finger stayed in reality. She was able to ride with him in the wind of his life through dramas that may have surpassed Raymond's and mine or not... it's hard to say but this friend of His only Son lived extremely hard and his loving relationship with the girlfriend, like ours was tumultuous for years and yet finally miraculously two or three years ago he came around, pulled his head out, they got back together and got married in August 2016. The wedding pics are beautiful... and so is his Obituary which includes that contrary to rumor, he was not a hit man for the mob..... Cause of his Death, like Raymond's was Cardiac Arrest two days after our Irish Day. They have a new babe and now she is utterly fucking alone. I can't make sense of this, spent the night dreaming about the whole thing and couldn't really figure out why as I personally have not seen this young man for several years... heard many stories but have not seen him. I finally asked what the message was, why does this have such an impact on me. Raymond's imprint was swift.
Even had our Love gotten it's shit together in this lifetime and we had been able to go forth into the world fairly normally together as we had planned in the early days, there was this small problem of no guarantee no proof of life to sustain it in the physical world. I would have gotten too comfortable. He would still have left early and likely left me and ours much as the new Wife is today... not only totally adrift but with more mouths to feed and completely unprepared for this twist of loss to be without him after finally getting right... and I would not have climbed out of the twist. Raymond's choice for us did in fact prepare us for his early departure as much as it hurt and as much as it sucks. Genetics have a way of trumping best wishes and long range plans.
I was prepared for that shoe to drop and yet when it did... I was still totally lost and adrift without him, blindsided. It doesn't matter how much time I ended up walking alone before he died because in Life I knew we would be reunited and with that there would be a physical continuing ... to see, to hear, to touch. When Death finally came, it put this in a whole new light and with a different delivery system ... He made sure that when he did pass, he passed in the Loving arms of just Myself and His Only Son. He sent his message loud and clear to us and to others. The continuing continues now without interference.
We did not have an agreement for "til death do us part". Parting at death was never entertained.
"So I'll hold you as close as I can
Longing for the day, when I see your face again"
Now he plays songs for me and I listen sometimes wondering what in world he is up to. He wakes me up with his laughter and leads me to some of our inside jokes. Occasionally he sends me one of his birds or one of his or our friends. I laugh, I cry, I wonder why he waited til now to tell me. I feel his intense Love and also his frustration with our early days and years and Russian Roulette. I untangle memories that have been frozen in time, I complete unfinished arguments, compliments, arrangements, laugh at the inside jokes, address miscommunications and faulty presumptions on both sides ... and I still melt at his touch just like I always did.
"Your Love lives on inside of me and I will hold on tight"
I'll take that Lifeboat!
No matter how far we stretched the limits with each other, in sweet repose when I was at rock bottom and in sweet repose when he was at rock bottom, we held and held on to each other in Love, a Love that for some reason just could not get it's shit together for the life of it ...at least in this time and place.
We never rekindled... we always continued.
"You were the first, you'll be the last
Wherever you go, I'll be with you
Whatever you want, I'll give it to you
Whenever you need someone
To lay your heart and head upon
Remember, after the fire, after all the rain
I will be the flame"
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Jealous of the Angels
Jenn Bostic, sung by Donna Taggart
I didn't know today would be our last
Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast
I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore
Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door
And tell me that I was only dreamin'
You're not really gone as long as I believe
There will be another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me,
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question,
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight
You always made my troubles feel so small
And you were always there to catch me when I'd fall
In a world where heroes come and go
Well God just took the only one I know
So I'll hold you as close as I can
Longing for the day, when I see your face again
But until then
God must need another angel
Around the throne tonight
Your love lives on inside of me
And I will hold on tight
It's not my place to question
Only God knows why
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne tonight
Singin' hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
I'm just jealous of the angels
Around the throne
Tonight
Written by Barrett Yeretsian, Jenn Bostic, Jimmy Fortune, Zach Rundquist • Copyright © Fortune Publishing, LLC, BMG Rights Management US, LLC