IN THE FACE OF

forever raymond - the vietnam vet in my life

3/27/2018

National Vietnam War Veterans Day March 29, 2018

For all of my Life, Forever Raymond.

It took a lifetime to be able to feel safe enough to begin writing down the story without being terrified. Chillingly sad and deeply tearful ... yes.. but no more fear Dear.

To the Love of my Life

Beyond the Beyonds Forever Raymond.

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flamingo Welcome mats - who knew?

3/27/2018

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In the quest for all things Flamingo, I discovered that they put Flamingos on welcome mats... to me, this is quite the discovery, however I'm sure to many others it is old hat. In any event, this guy looks like he means business and should probably be on my doorstep!

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For Sale on Etsy - Handmade Potholders

3/24/2018

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Have been making these potholders as a stress reliever. Finally decided to put them up for sale. Kid's stuff I know as I made plenty of them in the 50's and 60's. I have no idea where thought to start making them again came from but it's been sort of fun and yet frustrating as I keep breaking the plastic looms and the needles. So far, I haven't found a metal set but will keep looking. I didn't have much to soothe me back then aside from doing this and sorting buttons. We used to have a Minnesota Woolen Mill lady come every summer with fabric and accessories to sell. It was amazing! The smell of the fabric was wonderful and she had boxes and boxes of accessories. One year she came with this shoebox full of buttons to sell, Mom bought it and I had my down time activity. I sorted and counted those buttons for years as something to do between helping to cook meals for the haymen or to keep quiet while Mom rested. I don't have any buttons to sell... so these hot pads will just have to do!

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shining star!

3/19/2018

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This is an incredible story. Fun and inspiring to watch. You just never know!

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Try a Little "in the face of" on Bonanza!

3/18/2018

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What you may be looking for in a different format. There are also items in my Bonanza Store that are not in my eBay Store.

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March 17th, 2018

3/17/2018

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Searching for a new job has become a scary, scarier and totally hopeless task. When you tip the scales at 65 and there are dozens of other applicants much younger than you, the effort seems totally wasted... and yet, there are only a couple more months worth of savings and then the fat lady has sung the last song. There is no choice but to continue. I've worn out my prayer bones, requested prayers from strangers and even reapplied for a job this week that the guy listed in another venue after interviewing me but not hiring me. I thought the interview went well... obviously he did not. I'm at my wits end, eBay sales have tanked, I have his only Son to take care of and I'm scared to death. As I began the last part of the path today, this beautiful poem appeared. I will do my level best not to Quit.

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The Core of the matter

10/21/2017

More rough days, finding myself going down the rabbit hole of us. Then this ... peaceful, loving, hopeful and forgiving. Signature Raymond from the River Bottom straight to my heart at peace in his arms.

I'm at the stage in this process that I am recognizing my role in my destruction while trying to show Raymond that I just didn't care which was all bluster and bravado and very much Fake News. It's humbling, humiliating and heartbreaking all at the same time to finally realize after nearly 50 years that your reactions were more harmful than anything Raymond did... well except maybe Russian Roulette.. that was a real ball buster.

It choked off all reason and crashed through to the speedway of Hell on Wheels. I had no competition in my destruction. I was way ahead of Raymond in this race. It seemed that I had learned how to beat a Horse to death and keep on beating it before he even came along. It was not well thought out, only occasionally planned and 100% not recognized until recently, even though he had brought this up earlier this year infusing me with the thought that one of the things he hoped we could heal was beating an issue to death... it only enlarged the issue, estranged us and sometimes led to the next intermission.

Ultimately, neither one of us could let an issue go. Exhibited differently but the same at it's core, hence the rant we played over and over for each other "I Love You but I Hate You"

I am very grateful that a New Day is coming... and especially grateful for this very personal message from Raymond shining through a Sea of Guilt.

I WANT TO STROLL OVER HEAVEN WITH YOU
- Alan Jackson

If I survey all the good things that come to me from above
If I count all the blessings from the storehouse of love
I'd simply ask for the favor of him beyond mortal king
And I'm sure he would grant it again
I want to stroll over Heaven with you some glad day
When all our troubles and heartaches are vanished away
Then we'll enjoy the beauty where all things are new
I want to stroll over Heaven with you
So many places of beauty we long to see here below
But time and treasures have kept us from making plans as you know
But come the morning of rapture together we'll stand a new
While I stroll over Heaven with you
I want to stroll over Heaven with you some glad day
When all our troubles and heartaches are vanished away
Then we'll enjoy the beauty where all things are new
I want to stroll over Heaven with you

written by Carl L. Trivette in 1952
Alan Jackson recorded in 2006.
Copyright: Lyrics © Original Writer and Publisher

The Proposal

8/4/2017

I got so caught up trying to be tough and get through 46 years that I didn't realize that I had erased the Proposal. I had placed it where the Sun didn't shine.

I would talk about being left at the Alter, I bought my own wedding ring with Road Runners on it to prove that I could run too, I told the stories over and over of being acknowledged as his Wife at the Wake. Those closest to him from the early days still remembered "us" and recognized the original plan of "us" being husband and wife. I'm very grateful for that. Like me, they never really accepted that that didn't happen. I knew and lived the story and that seemed good enough. Raymond admitted woefully during every drunken beat down of my door that he ran from the Ceremony for our life. He apologized for doing it to us more times than I can possibly remember however he wasn't beating on my door sober in the daylight and by the time he was sober and we had returned from out of State he had had a major heart attack and had married the distraction for the sake of. I know that he truly regretted not showing up for the Ceremony til the day he died but in the early years he was still on the run and still on the bottle from the ghosts of Nam. To survive, I lived a life trying to replace him and doing many things to spite him. To do that required that I totally black out the asking itself ... until a few months ago.

The memory hit me like a freight train after being buried in a ton of bricks.

Beautiful sweet heartfelt loving secret talk leading to a humble asking if I would be his Wife made and accepted on the River Bottoms. Our love had already been sealed, the forging was complete, we made preliminary plans for the Ceremony and the beginning of our life together .. and then... I could never have imagined what followed a few short months later.

The memories' beauty and the peaceful sense of right and life that accompanied the proposal actually blew up within seconds of raising it's head, as explosive as a hand grenade and as deadly as a Bouncing Betty. I couldn't hold the whole memory for several days. I had to sort of put my toes in the water and work my way up from the peacefulness of our nest in the Bottoms, the sound of the water, the wind and the birds and then a few words at a time. I have to stop myself before I go down our rabbit hole completely without benefit of recent insights or reconciliations.

Slow Hand

The Pointer Sisters

As the midnight moon, was drifting through
The lazy sway of the trees
I saw the look in your eyes, lookin' into mine
Seeing what you wanted to see
Darlin' don't say a word, cause I already heard
What your body's sayin' to mine
I'm tired of fast moves
I've got a slow groove
On my mind
I want a man with a slow hand
I want a lover with an easy touch
I want somebody who will spend some time
Not come and go in a heated rush
I want somebody who will understand
When it comes to love, I want a slow hand
On shadowed ground, with no one around
And a blanket of stars in our eyes
We are drifting free, like two lost leaves
On the crazy wind of the night
Darlin', don't say a word, 'cause I already heard
What your body's sayin' to mine
If I want it all night
You say it's alright
We got the time
'Cause I got a man with a slow hand
I got a lover with an easy touch
I got somebody who will spend some time
Not come and go in a heated rush
I found somebody who will understand
When it comes to love, I want a slow hand
If I want it all night
Please say it's alright
It's not a fast move
But a slow groove
On my mind
'Cause I got a man with a slow hand
I got a lover with an easy touch
I found somebody who will spend some time
Not come and go in a heated rush
I found somebody who will understand
I found a lover with a slow hand
Oh, lover with the slow hand
And I get all excited with his easy touch
I found somebody who will spend the night
Not come and go in a heated rush

Songwriters: John Bettis / Michael Clark
Slow Hand lyrics © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

Shop In The Face Of

8/4/2017

Come have a look at My Store

Just Remember...

7/24/2017

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And Then Along Comes Raymond...

When it all goes crazy and the thrill is gone
When the days get rainy and the nights get long
When you get that feelin you were born to lose
Starin' at your ceiling feelin' the blues

Life has taken a number of purely Crap turns in the last 3 or so months. Enough turns that per my excellent Raymond training, I denned up. Denning up is a two edge sword, plenty of victims - sometimes a survivor. One never knows how it's going to play out.

When I went to the hole, I chose to go by myself so I cut off the steady Raymond stream of support and new found communication between us. I'm not sure how he got through to me a couple of days ago but he always had a knack about finding me...no matter what... Just Remember I love You and it'll be all right. There is still a lot going on with no resolution and quite frankly I'm dog ass tired... hence the hole.

My job was yanked out from under me in May after assurances that the Contract Bridge was being prepared for the express purpose of keeping me. Even the Division Director told me and my go to Lead personally that they did not want to "Lose Me", however it turns out that unbeknownst to her, to my go to Lead, to my Company or to myself the Contract was prepared by the Department Lead for someone else using my documentation on the Process utilized to do the job to prepare the Contract. I'm literally too old to be able to pick up a new job johnny on the spot. It has been 6 weeks, 4 failed interviews and one in the pipe. I keep asking how does it get any better than this and what else is possible? Surely there is a forever home for me somewhere. State Unemployment mandated me to come in for a "Retraining and Assessment" appointment. Retraining for what I don't know, I'm in the "can't teach an old dog new tricks" category. I was mad as Hell for having to go in to have someone talk down to me after 46 years in basically the same type of Administrative jobs in a variety of specialized fields due to the moving around that I had to do. I was pretty amused when the Assessor told me that I should be teaching the Resume Classes... she had never seen a Client resume done so well.... Other than that, the whole thing was a waste of her time and mine. Just remember I Love you and it will be all right

Next in line is the Dentist, you know ... the one with the Crown. Three months after a cleaning, 4 cavities and a crown I went back for the last exam and cleaning that would be covered by the insurance because I have no idea how long before I have insurance again. Three more cavities, one of which is not covered because it was filled within the last 24 months. How does that happen in 3 months when the only thing that has changed is your employment status? and then... the cleaning and the exam turns out not to be covered... even though the Dentist office told me my insurance covered 2 cleanings a calendar year. I asked them to make sure there was not an every 6 months limitation and they assured me in 3 phone calls that was not the case. No job, unemployment issues and a $300 dentist bill.

Next, God help you when you turn 65 and you get to experience the joys of signing up for Medicare... which comes in parts and turns out is NOT Free, just another racket. So I had to fork over $536 for part B of that lovely plan... with no job and unemployment issues.

Like I said, quite frankly I'm dog ass tired.. hence the hole.

The only saving grace is the reminder from Raymond to reach out.

JUST REMEMBER I LOVE YOU
Firefall

When it all goes crazy and the thrill is gone
When the days get rainy and the nights get long
When you get that feelin you were born to lose
Starin' at your ceiling feelin' the blues

When there's so much trouble that you want to cry
When your love has crumbled and you don't know why
When your hopes are fading and they can't be found
Dreams have left you waiting friends let you down

Well just remember I love you
And it'll be all right
Just remember I love you
More than I can say just remember I love you
Maybe all your blues will fade away

When you need a lover and you're down so low
And you start to wonder but you never know
When it seems like sorrow is your only friend
Knowing that tomorrow you'll feel this way again

When the blues come callin' at the break of dawn
When the rain keeps fallin' but the rainbow's gone
When you feel like cryin' but the tears won't come
Then your dreams are dyin' when you're on the run

Just remember I love you
And it'll be all right
Just remember I love you
More than I can say just remember I love you
Maybe all your blues will wash away

Songwriters: ROBERTS
Just Remember I Love You lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

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This site came about from unseen direction under unusual circumstances. It is a work in progress, some may be good and some not so good. Whether you find anything here or not that will give you pause for thought, thank you for your time!

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forever raymond - the vietnam vet in my life

flamingo Welcome mats - who knew?

For Sale on Etsy - Handmade Potholders

shining star!

Try a Little "in the face of" on Bonanza!

March 17th, 2018

The Core of the matter

The Proposal

Shop In The Face Of

Just Remember...

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