Come have a look! Christmas is Coming!
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And Then Along Comes Raymond... When it all goes crazy and the thrill is gone When the days get rainy and the nights get long When you get that feelin you were born to lose Starin' at your ceiling feelin' the blues Life has taken a number of purely Crap turns in the last 3 or so months. Enough turns that per my excellent Raymond training, I denned up. Denning up is a two edge sword, plenty of victims - sometimes a survivor. One never knows how it's going to play out. When I went to the hole, I chose to go by myself so I cut off the steady Raymond stream of support and new found communication between us. I'm not sure how he got through to me a couple of days ago but he always had a knack about finding me...no matter what... Just Remember I love You and it'll be all right. There is still a lot going on with no resolution and quite frankly I'm dog ass tired... hence the hole. My job was yanked out from under me in May after assurances that the Contract Bridge was being prepared for the express purpose of keeping me. Even the Division Director told me and my go to Lead personally that they did not want to "Lose Me", however it turns out that unbeknownst to her, to my go to Lead, to my Company or to myself the Contract was prepared by the Department Lead for someone else using my documentation on the Process utilized to do the job to prepare the Contract. I'm literally too old to be able to pick up a new job johnny on the spot. It has been 6 weeks, 4 failed interviews and one in the pipe. I keep asking how does it get any better than this and what else is possible? Surely there is a forever home for me somewhere. State Unemployment mandated me to come in for a "Retraining and Assessment" appointment. Retraining for what I don't know, I'm in the "can't teach an old dog new tricks" category. I was mad as Hell for having to go in to have someone talk down to me after 46 years in basically the same type of Administrative jobs in a variety of specialized fields due to the moving around that I had to do. I was pretty amused when the Assessor told me that I should be teaching the Resume Classes... she had never seen a Client resume done so well.... Other than that, the whole thing was a waste of her time and mine. Just remember I Love you and it will be all right Next in line is the Dentist, you know ... the one with the Crown. Three months after a cleaning, 4 cavities and a crown I went back for the last exam and cleaning that would be covered by the insurance because I have no idea how long before I have insurance again. Three more cavities, one of which is not covered because it was filled within the last 24 months. How does that happen in 3 months when the only thing that has changed is your employment status? and then... the cleaning and the exam turns out not to be covered... even though the Dentist office told me my insurance covered 2 cleanings a calendar year. I asked them to make sure there was not an every 6 months limitation and they assured me in 3 phone calls that was not the case. No job, unemployment issues and a $300 dentist bill. Next, God help you when you turn 65 and you get to experience the joys of signing up for Medicare... which comes in parts and turns out is NOT Free, just another racket. So I had to fork over $536 for part B of that lovely plan... with no job and unemployment issues. Like I said, quite frankly I'm dog ass tired.. hence the hole. The only saving grace is the reminder from Raymond to reach out. JUST REMEMBER I LOVE YOU Firefall When it all goes crazy and the thrill is gone When the days get rainy and the nights get long When you get that feelin you were born to lose Starin' at your ceiling feelin' the blues When there's so much trouble that you want to cry When your love has crumbled and you don't know why When your hopes are fading and they can't be found Dreams have left you waiting friends let you down Well just remember I love you And it'll be all right Just remember I love you More than I can say just remember I love you Maybe all your blues will fade away When you need a lover and you're down so low And you start to wonder but you never know When it seems like sorrow is your only friend Knowing that tomorrow you'll feel this way again When the blues come callin' at the break of dawn When the rain keeps fallin' but the rainbow's gone When you feel like cryin' but the tears won't come Then your dreams are dyin' when you're on the run Just remember I love you And it'll be all right Just remember I love you More than I can say just remember I love you Maybe all your blues will wash away Songwriters: ROBERTS Just Remember I Love You lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC 
 " I wish there were do overs...
I need to go have coffee with him." Do Overs would be nice... I'd like to hold his hand, pull him in for a kiss and whisper in his ear that I finally understand this message. "We did not have an agreement for "til death do us part". Parting at death was never entertained." "So I'll hold you as close as I can Longing for the day, when I see your face again" I have no idea why Raymond has become the subject of this blog. I certainly had other intentions for it. What I do know...with a great sense of peace and relief is that the message, the really big message he has been trying to knock into my head is 5 fold and repetitive. I've gone over his death story probably a thousand times and never gleaned from it the simple truth. 1. Raymond and I did not have an agreement for "til death do us part". 2. Raymond did have an agreement with the distraction to part at death and he did so immediately. 3. Raymond ignored the Mother in Law at the Wake via the old roommate.
5. Raymond introduced me as his wife at the Wake to friends and most importantly to specific members of his Family via his favorite Bartender. Only Raymond and I would know of the significance of each of these. The chickens finally came home to roost in more ways than one. "You know I love you, I always will My mind's made up by the way that I feel There's no beginning, there'll be no end 'Cause on my love you can depend I see your face before me As I lay on my bed I cannot get to thinking Of all the things you said You gave your promise to me and I gave mine to you I need someone beside me in everything I do You know I love you, I always will" I turned to him and stated these facts one by one. He nodded and told me to remember them every time I started to go down our Rabbit Hole and to use them to get through tough times, that he would be waiting for me and to try not to cry. I cried anyway... Then he did a "Home James" in his Dandy pose... and I cried some more. "This intermission is different and yet the same. He refused to die until he was alone with myself and his only Son. I could take up a lot more space with stories during life that exemplified this ending however much of the substance is that unspoken language between two forged beings. I was waiting in his kitchen for his Wake time to start. One of his old roommates came in, looked at the Mother in Law without a word and then looked at me, called me by name and said "Thank God you're here! I'm so sorry!" Just stopped by to say Hi! After the ceremony and very near the time that I left, I went through the front porch into the living room to look for someone. Several people were there including a sister and other family members. His favorite Bartender was telling some Raymond stories as I sat down. She stopped and introduced me to the room as his Wife, once again calling me by name. Just stopped by to say Hi!" LIFE is a HIGHWAY Chris LeDoux Life's like a road that you travel on When there's one day here and the next day gone Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand Sometimes you turn your back to the wind There's a world outside every darkened door Where blues won't haunt you anymore Where the brave are free and lovers soar Come ride with me to the distant shore We won't hesitate, break down the garden gate There's not much time left today Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long Through all these cities and all these towns It's in my blood and it's all around I love you now like I loved you then This is the road and these are the hands From Tennessee to those LA nights The San Antone' to Vegas lights Knock me down get back up again You're in my blood I'm not a lonely man There's no load I can't hold Road so rough, this I know I'll be there when the light comes in Tell 'em we're survivors Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long There was a distance between you and I A misunderstanding once but now We look it in the eye There's no load I can't hold Road so rough this I know I'll be there when the light comes in Tell 'em we're survivors Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long Written by Thomas William Cochrane • Copyright © Universal Music Publishing Group 
It's been a confusing week at best. The schizophrenic weather has been as confused as I am. Our Only Son has been in a great deal of pain as a result of it. Work issues still persist that in my personal opinion could have been resolved weeks ago, Rather than telling me two months ago, information has just been made known to me that would have greatly eased my mind in regards to a Contract Bridge in my employment. A repair issue has been discovered in my home with my toilet and my floor that can only be resolved slowly due to the physical impairment of our Only Son. The root cause of the problem is still being reviewed. And then there are the damn income taxes and the ridiculous penalty via OC that had been implemented for having no insurance for our Only Son. This whole issue is another story which actually has already been posted about. Although the new President did issue an Executive Order regarding this, there is no clear answer about paying the penalty which I am hard pressed to be able to do. As I drove up to the Dentist's office mid-week to get my crown prep work done, I was struck with a pretty good asthma attack.. I was fine until I stopped the truck, then I wasn't fine so it took awhile to get ramped back down with the laughing gas which never makes me laugh. Couldn't figure out what was up with this until it was time for the temporary to be seated and then it became abundantly clear. Although I have gone to this Dentist for almost 30 years, they have recently had some questionable Assistant changes... and I got one of the questionables assigned to seat it. Needless to say, I was back in the office first thing the next morning with my temp crown in a paper cup. The thing to note here is that the place in me that "knows" knew there would be some sort of trouble with this and hence the asthma attack. I can never explain this. Raymond came to not question it either. Sometimes things just are and I know them without knowing them. This week has been very frustrating as I'm a point and shoot kind of a person when it comes to problem solving so foot dragging, not getting direct answers and not doing the job drive me crazy. Once I began to understand from Raymond about standing up for myself this "trait" emerged as a giant genie that try as he would he could never quite stuff back into the bottle. "So please believe me My heart is in your hands And I'll be missing you" As Raymond's presence has been very strong the last few months, I asked for his help in addition to God's and Archangel Michael's in keeping his only Son calm in regards to the toilet situation and also asked if he could share some helpful repair info with him. I chose to leave a note about it so that his Only Son could have his ballistic reaction pretty much over with by the time I got home from work. I spent the whole morning agonizing with several different scenarios playing through my mind. Somewhere around noon, I heard Raymond say "don't worry about it" and all the tension drained from my body. By the time I got home I had forgotten all about it. His Only Son had done some assessment with no clear answers and sure enough, he approached me in a questioning "well now what" and "it looks like this" frame of mind rather than being stuck to the ceiling. When we got to the part of the conversation regarding what tools and supplies may be needed for repairs he immediately asked if I remembered the flooring in his Dad's kitchen to see if I would like to replace it with that.... I don't remember the flooring in his Dad's kitchen, but I do remember that I asked his Dad to help him with suggestions for repairs. Just stopped by to say Hi! The morning after the crown incident, Raymond presented himself to me in a sudden electrifying and lengthy manner. Another intense and compelling flood of his Love, tenderness, circumstance information, unsolved problem resolution and an undeniable statement of his intent and resolve towards me left me in a state of pure peace for several hours. Peace that was filled with answers and no more puzzles, acknowledgement of just knowing that the puzzles are not so important anymore. Peaceful acknowledgement that I have been running for my Life since the night that he told me I deserved someone better than him and peaceful acknowledgement that I no longer need to keep running. It was an amazing feeling and incredible experience that lasted several hours. Just stopped by to say Hi! And then, just as suddenly as it started it stopped. I couldn't feel him with me anymore. I continued to talk to him from time to time however, I just didn't feel as hooked up with him for a couple of days as I had been feeling for the last few months. I'm not sure where he went off too and in the end it really doesn't matter. This other worldly thing can be pretty frustrating as well. Although I have been to the "other side", the only thing I remember about it is the incredible peace, the light, the window, Raymond and his instruction about the window...and that I was not at all happy to be brought back. Today Raymond returned with this song. I can't even put into words what this means to me. This is totally about our scene at his Death. Although he remained unconscious, I "knew" he was waiting for the distraction to get out of his room. We had had too many conversations about this. The words of the song sum up what he got across to me in the moments we were finally alone. He sent me this in sort of a blast as soon as I took his hand and told him it was just him and me and his only Son, that the distraction had left the building. Then he started to relax his breathing a bit, we spoke a little to him, he totally relaxed and then he caught that train and left us. So today's song is to renew and refresh our Contract. It is also a reminder to not freak out during times that he may be otherwise occupied on the "other side" and to support him over there with all my Love and strength just as he is supporting me with all of his Love and strength over here on this side in our own Contract Bridge because literally, his Heart is in my hands. The importance of this seemingly simple action may never have occurred to me without this "Hi!" and I'm sure that it has not occurred to many others.
WELCOME HOME RAYMOND!
I can't even begin to fathom how much having this day Memorialized affected him. This war ran deep. It took over a generation of unsuspecting folks at home as well as those who served in ways that are still manifesting today.
I wish that there been an awareness at the time to expand traditional behavior in dealing with those who came home.... in other words Raymond, I wish to Hell that I had been able to fully comprehend what you went through and what you were going through and how trying to carry on a normal life let alone an over the top relationship tipped you upside down and sideways. You did try to tell me pieces of your pain but I still just didn't get the depth. I am deeply sorry for compounding these issues by being bullheaded and pistol ready. I am very grateful that we have been able to continue all these years through all our drama in our not normal fashion and still feel and carry the love that drove us at the very beginning.
"There will be another Angel around the throne tonight"
Raymond would get a good laugh over this "Heathen Angel" thought. For me, not so funny but I can see it's appeal to him. It's strangely comforting to receive communications from him in the form of Songs and Lyrics. We had a few favorite songs. We both had favorite singers and groups and although I loved most of his, he was not all that fond of mine. Mostly he tolerated them but sometimes the Teaser in him would just take over and be ruthless for awhile. Generally we would collapse in laughter at the end of these episodes which as a rule led to some of the brief moments of respite in the intenseness of love, tenderness and laughter as mentioned previously. Intense being the operative word. We did nothing without intenseness. "I'm just jealous of the Angels around the Throne tonight!" For whatever reason, at this time it seems that he has chosen songs that I instantly relate to and zero in on what he is trying to tell me. I told him even Heathens needed Angels or folks who acted like Angels and he hesitated, paused and redirected. So here we are with a great Irish singer and a beautiful heartfelt song stating my truth at this time in this plane on earth while the "Irish" part of it reflects our Black Irish Heritage, the undeniable blood evidence of our forging and the inescapable path of our future. The songs he sends to me make perfect sense. The timing and delivery are spot on and the look, feel and sense of the whole operation is done in true Raymond Fashion with a few feathers hanging out of his mouth.. but I digress. I'm truly thankful for this plethora of information, communication and opportunity. It had been a very long dry spell without him. "I didn't know today would be our last Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door And tell me that I was only dreamin' You're not really gone as long as I believe" Way back when, when I moved back into the State all those years ago, his only Son had a friend that lived a few doors down that had a heart of gold, not much sense and was wilder and crazier than anything I had ever seen... if that was even possible. This kid was over the top. If you were on his side, you had no better protection and a laugh a minute. If you were on his wrong side you had no worse enemy, there was no mercy and no humor. Fun loving, wilder than a March Hare, crazy, loyal and big hearted he found himself a girlfriend while they were teens that somehow was able to bring him down a notch or two so that at least a finger stayed in reality. She was able to ride with him in the wind of his life through dramas that may have surpassed Raymond's and mine or not... it's hard to say but this friend of His only Son lived extremely hard and his loving relationship with the girlfriend, like ours was tumultuous for years and yet finally miraculously two or three years ago he came around, pulled his head out, they got back together and got married in August 2016. The wedding pics are beautiful... and so is his Obituary which includes that contrary to rumor, he was not a hit man for the mob..... Cause of his Death, like Raymond's was Cardiac Arrest two days after our Irish Day. They have a new babe and now she is utterly fucking alone. I can't make sense of this, spent the night dreaming about the whole thing and couldn't really figure out why as I personally have not seen this young man for several years... heard many stories but have not seen him. I finally asked what the message was, why does this have such an impact on me. Raymond's imprint was swift. Even had our Love gotten it's shit together in this lifetime and we had been able to go forth into the world fairly normally together as we had planned in the early days, there was this small problem of no guarantee no proof of life to sustain it in the physical world. I would have gotten too comfortable. He would still have left early and likely left me and ours much as the new Wife is today... not only totally adrift but with more mouths to feed and completely unprepared for this twist of loss to be without him after finally getting right... and I would not have climbed out of the twist. Raymond's choice for us did in fact prepare us for his early departure as much as it hurt and as much as it sucks. Genetics have a way of trumping best wishes and long range plans. I was prepared for that shoe to drop and yet when it did... I was still totally lost and adrift without him, blindsided. It doesn't matter how much time I ended up walking alone before he died because in Life I knew we would be reunited and with that there would be a physical continuing ... to see, to hear, to touch. When Death finally came, it put this in a whole new light and with a different delivery system ... He made sure that when he did pass, he passed in the Loving arms of just Myself and His Only Son. He sent his message loud and clear to us and to others. The continuing continues now without interference. We did not have an agreement for "til death do us part". Parting at death was never entertained. "So I'll hold you as close as I can Longing for the day, when I see your face again" Now he plays songs for me and I listen sometimes wondering what in world he is up to. He wakes me up with his laughter and leads me to some of our inside jokes. Occasionally he sends me one of his birds or one of his or our friends. I laugh, I cry, I wonder why he waited til now to tell me. I feel his intense Love and also his frustration with our early days and years and Russian Roulette. I untangle memories that have been frozen in time, I complete unfinished arguments, compliments, arrangements, laugh at the inside jokes, address miscommunications and faulty presumptions on both sides ... and I still melt at his touch just like I always did. "Your Love lives on inside of me and I will hold on tight" I'll take that Lifeboat! No matter how far we stretched the limits with each other, in sweet repose when I was at rock bottom and in sweet repose when he was at rock bottom, we held and held on to each other in Love, a Love that for some reason just could not get it's shit together for the life of it ...at least in this time and place. We never rekindled... we always continued. "You were the first, you'll be the last Wherever you go, I'll be with you Whatever you want, I'll give it to you Whenever you need someone To lay your heart and head upon Remember, after the fire, after all the rain I will be the flame" ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Jealous of the Angels Jenn Bostic, sung by Donna Taggart I didn't know today would be our last Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door And tell me that I was only dreamin' You're not really gone as long as I believe There will be another angel Around the throne tonight Your love lives on inside of me, And I will hold on tight It's not my place to question, Only God knows why I'm just jealous of the angels Around the throne tonight You always made my troubles feel so small And you were always there to catch me when I'd fall In a world where heroes come and go Well God just took the only one I know So I'll hold you as close as I can Longing for the day, when I see your face again But until then God must need another angel Around the throne tonight Your love lives on inside of me And I will hold on tight It's not my place to question Only God knows why I'm just jealous of the angels Around the throne tonight Singin' hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah I'm just jealous of the angels Around the throne Tonight Written by Barrett Yeretsian, Jenn Bostic, Jimmy Fortune, Zach Rundquist • Copyright © Fortune Publishing, LLC, BMG Rights Management US, LLC 
What a long winter this has been!
Folks in my home state are still digging out in one part of the country and already seeing floods in another part. Even the always present wind has joined the extreme behavior creating more than the normal havoc. Then sadly in other areas of the midwest and Texas, there have already been devasting destructive life taking fires. Very crazy weather with very sad outcomes.... Spring and summer retail items are starting to appear on the shelves as well, I think a little sooner than I've seen them in the past. I never understood "why" so early until I became involved in selling... then it became very clear. It still drives me nuts but the "why" is due to folks wanting to move on to the next thing as quickly as possible after a Season or Event. This drives stock quantity and availability projections as we go through the year. Basically folks are "done with" Christmas and planning their garden, yard, home improvement project before New Years... It's hard to tell when consumers will start to buy and what will really be needed versus what may be needed and very hard to tell what the Hot Picks are going to be. If I wait til a more sensible April or May to put items up, they will literally either already be gone or disappear entirely within a few days of my find so it is a never ending loop looking for summer items in January and Christmas items in June and July. Enjoy what Spring there may be this year and Best Wishes for a Great Summer!
"We were a strange love, her and I.
Too wild to last Too rare to break." ~ Atticus ~ It's a hard thing to transition from the previous post to another life or topic. Some clean up probably needs to be done. I'm pretty sure many of you have had tumultuous other worldly relationships so you will understand. Literally hundreds if not thousands of memories of Raymond have rushed through to me since the last Hi noted in the previous post... many giving opportunity to reflect on and acknowledge and support his statement later in our lives that neither one of us had been taught how to have a healthy relationship or for that matter any relationship. This moment of clarity came during an "I Love You but I Hate You" rant after he was busted for pretending to be drunk during a beat on the door and let me in episode while we were continuing ... before I moved myself and his only Son out of town for the 2nd time. He told me that he just wanted the Love but the Hate in all the drama we had put each other through just kept taking over as well as all those so called friends around us that didn't help either. I'm not saying this quite right but it really doesn't matter as it's another one of the unspoken things between 2 people who have Forged through the Fires of Heaven and Hell. Fact is our primary issue was Vietnam. Too soon back, too much PTSD, too much time there in his head and not enough time here in the present. Too much guilt over things that he and his Battalion had done. Additionally he lost a friend on the Quad who had been ordered to take his place while he was being reprimanded. He felt that his life should have been taken and not the life of his friend. Combine that with losing his brother in a car wreck with the same plot, Raymond should have been driving and not his brother. Combine that with getting run out of his home and State by the Father of his then girlfriend, the Mother of his Only Daughter... whom he thought at the time he would never see....all this led to countless times of telling me that he didn't deserve me, he didn't deserve a life and he did not deserve to have anything normal... yet the look in his eyes claimed every sweet minute of life he could get... and that's not counting his home life growing up with a dirt poor bunch of siblings in rural America run amuck. And that's just on his side. My side didn't have all the "current" players but it sure had a bunch of past players involved in my Parents lives that affected mine to the nth degree. I felt guilty for things that I was not even alive yet to see or do and I was held accountable for them as well. Combined with being raised as an only child on a Ranch in the middle of nowhere when I had half brothers and sisters 2 miles away that were not allowed to see me or my parents. Combined with being farmed out to over 30 family friends and even more Relatives to live with off an on until I was 16 due to my Mom always being sick and in the hospital - I was the poster child for a stable partner. When I said that Raymond and I knew each other other immediately, we really did. He was right, we just didn't have the skills to get through it in a "regular" manner. So we chose to get through it in a highly irregular manner. Til Death do us Part was never in our agreement. "Just stopped by to say Hi..." A few nights ago he woke me up rather slowly with his classic tease laughter... the first was off in the distance as if in another room, the second and third were so real and so close and so intense that in my semi awake state I reached to swat him as I had done thousands of times. I couldn't figure out how he had gotten away from me because he was so close that I could feel and smell him ... Heartbroken and elated at the same time I cried myself back to sleep. That afternoon, his Only Son came in talking about some Vet movie that Stiffler (Matt Best) had made that was to die for - Range 15, the Black Rifle Coffee youtube stuff etc. and the dark sense of humor that we came to love and live with through Raymond. Some time later I found the channels and started watching some of the uploads. I found Raymond's home that afternoon.... same stuff that I lived with 46 years ago and every day of every year since then was right there a click of a button away. One of them in particular set me laughing hysterically for a couple of hours before I cried like crazy for the rest of the night. The theme was about you know you're a Vet if... it included a clip of the wife driving and the Vet backseat driving while sitting in the passenger seat and I totally lost it... this is the tease laughter that woke me up, this is me swatting him to stop spinning me up with "go left here no right no MISS THAT no go left STOP GUN IT BACK UP pull over right here"... my Hell it was instant playback of Raymond making me a better race driver or Raymond making me make my car believe it was a heavy duty pick up truck or us going to get a burger or Raymond taking me to some new outdoor place for peace and quiet... because he could not go to places that were loud and or that had any type of bang.. . I could tell him to shut up a hundred times, he would laugh, I would swat, he would laugh, I would tell him to shut up, he would give a new direction and this would go on and on... and then when he could see that I was completely flustered and ready to plant the flag right up his ass he would pull back a little in the passenger seat, grin from ear to ear, put his hands up in a dandy pose, flick his cigarette and say "home James".... and I would melt. "You were the first, you'll be the last Wherever you go, I'll be with you Whatever you want, I'll give it to you Whenever you need someone To lay your heart and head upon Remember, after the fire, after all the rain I will be the flame" If you haven't lived it you don't get it. If you get it then find your Forged Mate whether dead or alive and tell them how much you truly love them... whether you ever get your act together in this life or not really doesn't make one damn bit of difference .... state your Love and then keep a spot of Honor for them in your Heart rather than a spot of fury, anger and denial. Any way you cut it, they are ALWAYS ON YOUR MIND
Extreme to No End
...Pushed Every Limit in Every Emotional Range to Every Deducible Ending... He was fearless, tough as nails, a Vietnam Vet, resourceful, brilliant, invincible, witty, Burt Reynolds beautiful, blatantly bluntly honest, rude, crude, kind, joking, kidding, elusive, the ultimate tease, secretive, damaged beyond belief, loving, gentle, encompassing, caring, remorseful, filled with grief and guilt, hateful, destructive and on the run. In his own words, he was a Heathen and I Loved him Beyond the Beyonds and he Loved me. The relationship of our Lifetime has lasted over 46 years with an occasional intermission. Even in his Death he holds me in his grip as I hold him. "You were the first you'll be the last. I can't believe you're gone." We knew each other immediately. He fully embraced a naive Country Girl, forged with her, threw her into the fire of life, love and despair and then watched her with pride and sorrow learn how to claw her way up and out. The only favor granted was brief respite in the intenseness of Love, tenderness and laughter. He taught her how to stand up for herself to others and to him, how to assess a bad situation, how to take the best elusive course of action in the event of a life and death situation, how to change out a standard tranny, how to do an oil change and what lane to maneuver to in a race. He taught her that revenge is best served cold, that good people can go through bad times and bad people can go through good times. He called into question every judgement. He taught her to laugh while the sun was shining and when it was not. He taught her that there were many ways to live, many ways to love, may ways to cry and many ways to die. He was also the brutal Administrator of all the necessary assignments and tasks to ultimately prepare her to walk down the life path that they had created as one... without him... both while he was living and after his death. The night came that he told her he wanted something better than him for her. Shattered, she tumbled out the door and throughout the rest of her life looking for and test driving replacements for Someone, Something that could never be replaced. He knew that was true. Filled with grief, he kept coming back and then he would leave. He kept lying in wait for someone who was only being a friend and beating down the door and throwing the friend out. Time after time he beat the door down until the friend just started opening the door and letting himself be thrown out, only to return after the fireworks. This became their life. He entrusted the birth and care of his only Son to her, left her on her own to teach her how to find resources for survival and strength, how to raise his only Son and how to carry on without him. He knew he'd leave early. Supportive conversations of this were often held at 3 a.m. when he could take no more of his self imposed exile and somehow tracked her down to the new place she had moved to and beat on the door until there was no other option but to let him in. He also found and used extensively every new phone number that she felt she had to acquire. He taught her how to travel to the depths of Hell and to the heights of Heaven and they Loved each other. Truly so. No matter how far they stretched the limits with each other, in sweet repose when she was at rock bottom and in sweet repose when he was at rock bottom, they held and held on to each other in Love... a Love that for some reason just couldn't get it's shit together for the life of it.... at least in this time and place. "You were the first, you'll be the last Wherever you go, I'll be with you Whatever you want, I'll give it to you Whenever you need someone To lay your heart and head upon Remember, after the fire, after all the rain I will be the flame" Supportive evidence for this Love was found when he refused to die until the distraction claiming to be loved had finally left his Hospital room. Only after the distraction had left the hospital completely and I was finally able to take his hand and tell him that we couldn't fix him this time, that I Loved him forever and that it was OK to go and his only Son took his other hand... only then did his hyperventilating freight train death rasp breathing begin to relax after over a day of listening to it non stop while we were denied being allowed in the room alone with him. Only then in the presence of just the Country Girl he forged with and his only Son, his Family... no matter the fights, the twixt and twains and lovers and mates in between for both of them... only then did he give it up and pass peacefully away while in the Loving arms of just the Country Girl he forged with and his only Son, his Family. Now another intermission as I wait for reunion. He's been pretty good at providing comfort and saying hi during intermissions. That has not changed with his Death. "I see your face before me As I lay on my bed I cannot get to thinking Of all the things you said You gave your promise to me and I gave mine to you I need someone beside me in everything I do You know I love you, I always will My mind's made up by the way that I feel There's no beginning, there'll be no end 'Cause on my love you can depend" Life intermissions and reappearances include showing up on the door step of my new house in the middle of the night in the pouring rain beating on the door and the windows no less until the brother of the distraction finally pled with me to let Raymond come in. His future brother in law had driven him there as he was too drunk to drive. The brother apologized and told me "what else was I gonna do?" Just stopped by to say Hi! Then he interjected his future parents in law as best friends of my future husband. Needless to say, this was disconcerting. I knew them both as well as the Daughter that they flaunted and fixed up with him at every opportunity in the early days... ultimately providing the distraction that led to the first intermission. Just stopped by to say Hi! He also made sure that one of his best friends from our early days became the carpool ride and coworker of my future husband. The friend would sit in my living room and tell Raymond stories while my future husband prepared to leave for work. Just stopped by to say Hi! I had to move us out of State literally in a 6 hour time frame and basically in protective custody due to violence from that future husband who by that time had become my husband. No one could know where we were, especially Raymond as his future parents in law were directly connected to that husband. Suddenly Raymond's only Son began parroting some of his actions and favoring his favorite things in spite of spending virtually no awake time with him... only sleep time. Just stopped by to say Hi! Much later in life he made the Truck Stop that my best friend worked at his favorite haunt. Just stopped by to say Hi! Years later when it was finally safe and we returned from out of State, I was hopeful that enough time had lapsed for him and his only Son to finally have a waking relationship. Contact was made via Cousin and Mom and he was able to step up to the plate. It was Amazing, Beautiful and Right. He always was the Dad I had seen from the get go. He was Rocket Ready and assumed the position in true Raymond Fashion. This led to not a rekindling between us but a Continuing without losing a step which had no choice but to lead to another intermission where I stayed in the back of the house while he visited with his only Son. It was too hard to know that in spite of my many marriages while trying to replace him, he had gone ahead and married the distraction. He had told me many times he would never marry her. He often voiced his disdain for the distraction however our absence and a major heart attack had allowed him to become dependent on the distraction and her family and ultimately go ahead and marry her. Although he apologized for not being able to wait for us to return, my heartbreak knew no bounds. Self preservation finally took over and I moved us again. Raymond protested of course, quite loudly in the kitchen but to no avail. "I'm going crazy, I'm losing sleep I'm in too far, I'm in way too deep over you" His only Son would spend some weekends at his home and from time to time I had to go there as well for various retrievals etc. however this time, he did not follow me to my new home over an hour away and bang on the door in the middle of the night. Heart attack had left him sober and moving put us just a little too far out of his comfort zone. This period of time was also an intermission as before I moved us out of town I had thrown him out of my house when he came in the middle of the night banging on the door pretending to be drunk... I made sure he knew he could still see his only Son but I was off limits. This sent me to the back of the house again in despair but I knew he was only biding his time, eventually there would be a Continuing. The only time he came to my new home was to fetch his only Son back to the house after a car wreck. Pleasant regular conversation constrained by the presence of a very sore only Son. I cried for several days. Then the phone calls started again and here is where in the name of self preservation and God I wish I had fallen back into old habits to meet him and end the intermission. He wanted me to come to coffee with him... which meant to meet away from the distraction. He said he had something very important that he needed to tell me. I resisted insisting that he could tell me over the phone, he insisted he had to tell me in person. This went on for some time. The Continuing was Continuing and I was making him work just a little too hard for it. Out of the clear blue, some event happened that made it so that he was finally able to literally receive a get out of Jail free card from his home State and he took his only Son to a couple of family reunions half way across the country. He was also able to finally meet his only Daughter who is older than his only Son and whose Mother's Father as a Sheriff was the source of him having to leave his home State never to return (at the time) over his fighting, drinking and racing and of course his only Daughter's Mother. I was very grateful as this was some of the substance that led to his taking self imposed exiles. He was tickled pink to finally get to meet his only Daughter and to introduce her to his only Son. His family was elated, he was getting his act together, he Loved his kids and he told me every time we talked that he Loved me... and he just kept telling me that he had to talk to me in person. I was very close to caving. It was time to Continue. 3 phone calls on a Saturday afternoon, he kept having to call back as lightning would cut us off. The distraction was in the background. His Mom had died and he had to make a trip back home without his only Son. He told me many things during those calls, some of which at the time I thought he probably should not be telling me while the distraction was there listening to the whole conversation. Now, I can't remember one of them, except that he Loved me and he told me this in every call. The third call ended with another lightning strike in his mid sentence and phone service did not resume. Night passed, work came, time went by and within 3 days he lay dying. I should have known. I'm an idiot. "I feel so frightened I wanna run to you, I wanna call But I've been hit by lightning Just can't stand up for fallin' apart Can't see through this veil across my heart, over you You'll always be the one" The distraction called his only Son the morning of day 2. He left for the Hospital immediately. I could not get there until that night. I lost the Love of my life, in hindsight the Greatest Teacher I would ever know, my best and my worst Friend and my only Son's Father. I wish there were do overs... I need to go have coffee with him. This intermission is different and yet the same. He refused to die until he was alone with myself and his only Son. I could take up a lot more space with stories during life that exemplified this ending however much of the substance is that unspoken language between two forged beings. I was waiting in his kitchen for his Wake time to start. One of his old roommates came in, looked at the Mother in Law without a word and then looked at me, called me by name and said "Thank God you're here! I'm so sorry!" Just stopped by to say Hi! After the ceremony and very near the time that I left, I went through the front porch into the living room to look for someone. Several people were there including a sister and other family members. His favorite Bartender was telling some Raymond stories as I sat down. She stopped and introduced me to the room as his Wife, once again calling me by name. Just stopped by to say Hi! His only Son was injured for life in a Construction accident approximately 3 yrs. later. We had to move back to town. I took a temp job. A couple of months into that job, one of the gentlemen I worked with in an office of 8 was a horse guy and made a comment that was total Raymond and then he turned and walked off. I was COMPELLED to ask him if he knew Raymond. The gentleman stopped dead in his tracks, turned to me and said "Do I know him? He was my BEST FRIEND!" This friend was acquired when he finally decided he could work a regular job. The friend was in the truck behind him when he had the first heart attack. I had heard the first name but never met him although his only Son had. Just stopped by to say Hi! That job became permanent and then ended for me, another job ended, I took another temp job that turned into almost permanent. At nearly the two year mark a conversation with one of 3 coworkers led to "Raymond is Ray?" I know Ray, he and my husband did pigeons together, I've met his Son! That's your Son? He was great to us, we Loved him, great mechanic, he could fix anything, he would come at the drop of a hat to help, never take a payment, joking carrying on... oh my, I just can't believe this.." in a town with about 60,000 folks, an area of about 90,000 folks and in a secure facility with only 3 coworkers on a temp job.. Just stopped by to say Hi! "Another night slowly closes in and I feel so lonely." I have spent the last 4 days going over things I never would have remembered had it not been for this last "Hi". I love and miss him dearly and at first blush thought he was letting me know from the other side that he was doing what he could to watch over us and to provide some comfort for me. Then the side of me that would not go to coffee would take over and provide the alternate argument that he was once again just messing with my head and all he was doing was screwing with me.... I finally came to the place to put it in the hands of God and asked for resolution in a way that I could totally and wholly understand. The answer within hours was playing just a little too loudly on the radio in my work room. I can't wait for reunion... The Flame Cheap Trick Another night slowly closes in And I feel so lonely Touching heat freezing on my skin I pretend you still hold me I'm going crazy, I'm losing sleep I'm in too far, I'm in way too deep over you I can't believe you're gone You were the first, you'll be the last Wherever you go, I'll be with you Whatever you want, I'll give it to you Whenever you need someone To lay your heart and head upon Remember, after the fire, after all the rain I will be the flame I will be the flame Watching shadows move across the wall I feel so frightened I wanna run to you, I wanna call But I've been hit by lightning Just can't stand up for fallin' apart Can't see through this veil across my heart, over you You'll always be the one You were the first, you'll be the last Wherever you go, I'll be with you Whatever you want, I'll give it to you Whenever you need someone To lay your heart and head upon Remember, after the fire, after all the rain I will be the flame I will be the flame I'm going crazy, I'm losing sleep I'm in too far, I'm in way too deep over you You'll always be the one You were the first, you'll be the last Wherever you go, I'll be with you Whatever you want, I'll give it to you Whenever you need someone To lay your heart and head upon Remember, after the fire, after all the rain I will be the flame I will be the flame Whatever you want, I'll give it to you Wherever you go, I'll be with you And whatever you want, I'll give it to you Songwriters: Nick Graham / Bob Mitchell The Flame lyrics © EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC  Take about 4 minutes to watch this: www.facebook.com/wipertags/videos/909298019105431/ This amazing video .... it's a vid on Facebook so you may want to log in. I have no idea how it showed up in my feed. Am sure glad it did. Enjoy!
I'm thinking I need to try a couple of new things with this blog. Not sure if they'll work or not, we'll see. It was a long summer filled with many unanswered questions regarding authority and our lives. Even though some of the questions have been answered, the answers only reach to a certain level and do not totally clear up or end the dramas that are at the root of the situations. Waiting has never been my strong suit. I bust and run most times so it's pretty much been a year of agony for me... Most days are filled with the questions "How does it get any better than this? and "What else is possible?" followed by everything being in a fog. Seriously need full and complete resolution to these things in order to shut doors, pack up and move on to the rest of my life. On a different note, I don't have to worry about when the riding lawn mower, snow blower, truck radiator, TV, front door and computer monitor are going to die... They all conveniently died within the last 9 months so things are all new again. God in his infinite wisdom provided a way to replace them all... he is amazing too. It's a good thing that he did because I sure as heck had no way to replace them. He also gave us a bunny... same thing, I never would have gone and gotten a bunny. This one just showed up one day and has stayed. Cute little cottontail could care less about what we are doing. Sits and stares into the patio door, eats, moves around a bit, stares, moves, eats and then finally leaves. He's pretty fun to watch. As we enter in to the end of this season and the beginning of the next season, I pray that you had a better year than last year and that you have a better year than this year.. |
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