...Pushed Every Limit in Every Emotional Range to Every Deducible Ending...
He was fearless, tough as nails, a Vietnam Vet, resourceful, brilliant, invincible, witty, Burt Reynolds beautiful, blatantly bluntly honest, rude, crude, kind, joking, kidding, elusive, the ultimate tease, secretive, damaged beyond belief, loving, gentle, encompassing, caring, remorseful, filled with grief and guilt, hateful, destructive and on the run. In his own words, he was a Heathen and I Loved him Beyond the Beyonds and he Loved me.
The relationship of our Lifetime has lasted over 46 years with an occasional intermission. Even in his Death he holds me in his grip as I hold him.
"You were the first you'll be the last. I can't believe you're gone."
We knew each other immediately. He fully embraced a naive Country Girl, forged with her, threw her into the fire of life, love and despair and then watched her with pride and sorrow learn how to claw her way up and out. The only favor granted was brief respite in the intenseness of Love, tenderness and laughter. He taught her how to stand up for herself to others and to him, how to assess a bad situation, how to take the best elusive course of action in the event of a life and death situation, how to change out a standard tranny, how to do an oil change and what lane to maneuver to in a race. He taught her that revenge is best served cold, that good people can go through bad times and bad people can go through good times. He called into question every judgement. He taught her to laugh while the sun was shining and when it was not. He taught her that there were many ways to live, many ways to love, may ways to cry and many ways to die. He was also the brutal Administrator of all the necessary assignments and tasks to ultimately prepare her to walk down the life path that they had created as one... without him... both while he was living and after his death.
The night came that he told her he wanted something better than him for her. Shattered, she tumbled out the door and throughout the rest of her life looking for and test driving replacements for Someone, Something that could never be replaced.
He knew that was true. Filled with grief, he kept coming back and then he would leave. He kept lying in wait for someone who was only being a friend and beating down the door and throwing the friend out. Time after time he beat the door down until the friend just started opening the door and letting himself be thrown out, only to return after the fireworks. This became their life.
He entrusted the birth and care of his only Son to her, left her on her own to teach her how to find resources for survival and strength, how to raise his only Son and how to carry on without him. He knew he'd leave early. Supportive conversations of this were often held at 3 a.m. when he could take no more of his self imposed exile and somehow tracked her down to the new place she had moved to and beat on the door until there was no other option but to let him in. He also found and used extensively every new phone number that she felt she had to acquire.
He taught her how to travel to the depths of Hell and to the heights of Heaven and they Loved each other. Truly so.
No matter how far they stretched the limits with each other, in sweet repose when she was at rock bottom and in sweet repose when he was at rock bottom, they held and held on to each other in Love... a Love that for some reason just couldn't get it's shit together for the life of it.... at least in this time and place.
"You were the first, you'll be the last
Wherever you go, I'll be with you
Whatever you want, I'll give it to you
Whenever you need someone
To lay your heart and head upon
Remember, after the fire, after all the rain
I will be the flame"
Supportive evidence for this Love was found when he refused to die until the distraction claiming to be loved had finally left his Hospital room. Only after the distraction had left the hospital completely and I was finally able to take his hand and tell him that we couldn't fix him this time, that I Loved him forever and that it was OK to go and his only Son took his other hand... only then did his hyperventilating freight train death rasp breathing begin to relax after over a day of listening to it non stop while we were denied being allowed in the room alone with him. Only then in the presence of just the Country Girl he forged with and his only Son, his Family... no matter the fights, the twixt and twains and lovers and mates in between for both of them... only then did he give it up and pass peacefully away while in the Loving arms of just the Country Girl he forged with and his only Son, his Family.
Now another intermission as I wait for reunion.
He's been pretty good at providing comfort and saying hi during intermissions. That has not changed with his Death.
"I see your face before me
As I lay on my bed
I cannot get to thinking
Of all the things you said
You gave your promise to me and I gave mine to you
I need someone beside me in everything I do
You know I love you, I always will
My mind's made up by the way that I feel
There's no beginning, there'll be no end
'Cause on my love you can depend"
Life intermissions and reappearances include showing up on the door step of my new house in the middle of the night in the pouring rain beating on the door and the windows no less until the brother of the distraction finally pled with me to let Raymond come in. His future brother in law had driven him there as he was too drunk to drive. The brother apologized and told me "what else was I gonna do?" Just stopped by to say Hi!
Then he interjected his future parents in law as best friends of my future husband. Needless to say, this was disconcerting. I knew them both as well as the Daughter that they flaunted and fixed up with him at every opportunity in the early days... ultimately providing the distraction that led to the first intermission. Just stopped by to say Hi!
He also made sure that one of his best friends from our early days became the carpool ride and coworker of my future husband. The friend would sit in my living room and tell Raymond stories while my future husband prepared to leave for work. Just stopped by to say Hi!
I had to move us out of State literally in a 6 hour time frame and basically in protective custody due to violence from that future husband who by that time had become my husband. No one could know where we were, especially Raymond as his future parents in law were directly connected to that husband. Suddenly Raymond's only Son began parroting some of his actions and favoring his favorite things in spite of spending virtually no awake time with him... only sleep time. Just stopped by to say Hi!
Much later in life he made the Truck Stop that my best friend worked at his favorite haunt. Just stopped by to say Hi!
Years later when it was finally safe and we returned from out of State, I was hopeful that enough time had lapsed for him and his only Son to finally have a waking relationship. Contact was made via Cousin and Mom and he was able to step up to the plate. It was Amazing, Beautiful and Right. He always was the Dad I had seen from the get go. He was Rocket Ready and assumed the position in true Raymond Fashion.
This led to not a rekindling between us but a Continuing without losing a step which had no choice but to lead to another intermission where I stayed in the back of the house while he visited with his only Son. It was too hard to know that in spite of my many marriages while trying to replace him, he had gone ahead and married the distraction. He had told me many times he would never marry her. He often voiced his disdain for the distraction however our absence and a major heart attack had allowed him to become dependent on the distraction and her family and ultimately go ahead and marry her. Although he apologized for not being able to wait for us to return, my heartbreak knew no bounds. Self preservation finally took over and I moved us again. Raymond protested of course, quite loudly in the kitchen but to no avail.
"I'm going crazy, I'm losing sleep
I'm in too far, I'm in way too deep over you"
His only Son would spend some weekends at his home and from time to time I had to go there as well for various retrievals etc. however this time, he did not follow me to my new home over an hour away and bang on the door in the middle of the night. Heart attack had left him sober and moving put us just a little too far out of his comfort zone. This period of time was also an intermission as before I moved us out of town I had thrown him out of my house when he came in the middle of the night banging on the door pretending to be drunk... I made sure he knew he could still see his only Son but I was off limits. This sent me to the back of the house again in despair but I knew he was only biding his time, eventually there would be a Continuing. The only time he came to my new home was to fetch his only Son back to the house after a car wreck. Pleasant regular conversation constrained by the presence of a very sore only Son. I cried for several days.
Then the phone calls started again and here is where in the name of self preservation and God I wish I had fallen back into old habits to meet him and end the intermission.
He wanted me to come to coffee with him... which meant to meet away from the distraction. He said he had something very important that he needed to tell me. I resisted insisting that he could tell me over the phone, he insisted he had to tell me in person. This went on for some time. The Continuing was Continuing and I was making him work just a little too hard for it.
Out of the clear blue, some event happened that made it so that he was finally able to literally receive a get out of Jail free card from his home State and he took his only Son to a couple of family reunions half way across the country. He was also able to finally meet his only Daughter who is older than his only Son and whose Mother's Father as a Sheriff was the source of him having to leave his home State never to return (at the time) over his fighting, drinking and racing and of course his only Daughter's Mother. I was very grateful as this was some of the substance that led to his taking self imposed exiles. He was tickled pink to finally get to meet his only Daughter and to introduce her to his only Son. His family was elated, he was getting his act together, he Loved his kids and he told me every time we talked that he Loved me... and he just kept telling me that he had to talk to me in person. I was very close to caving. It was time to Continue.
3 phone calls on a Saturday afternoon, he kept having to call back as lightning would cut us off. The distraction was in the background. His Mom had died and he had to make a trip back home without his only Son. He told me many things during those calls, some of which at the time I thought he probably should not be telling me while the distraction was there listening to the whole conversation. Now, I can't remember one of them, except that he Loved me and he told me this in every call. The third call ended with another lightning strike in his mid sentence and phone service did not resume. Night passed, work came, time went by and within 3 days he lay dying. I should have known. I'm an idiot.
"I feel so frightened
I wanna run to you, I wanna call
But I've been hit by lightning
Just can't stand up for fallin' apart
Can't see through this veil across my heart, over you
You'll always be the one"
The distraction called his only Son the morning of day 2. He left for the Hospital immediately. I could not get there until that night. I lost the Love of my life, in hindsight the Greatest Teacher I would ever know, my best and my worst Friend and my only Son's Father.
I wish there were do overs... I need to go have coffee with him.
This intermission is different and yet the same. He refused to die until he was alone with myself and his only Son. I could take up a lot more space with stories during life that exemplified this ending however much of the substance is that unspoken language between two forged beings.
I was waiting in his kitchen for his Wake time to start. One of his old roommates came in, looked at the Mother in Law without a word and then looked at me, called me by name and said "Thank God you're here! I'm so sorry!" Just stopped by to say Hi!
After the ceremony and very near the time that I left, I went through the front porch into the living room to look for someone. Several people were there including a sister and other family members. His favorite Bartender was telling some Raymond stories as I sat down. She stopped and introduced me to the room as his Wife, once again calling me by name. Just stopped by to say Hi!
His only Son was injured for life in a Construction accident approximately 3 yrs. later. We had to move back to town. I took a temp job. A couple of months into that job, one of the gentlemen I worked with in an office of 8 was a horse guy and made a comment that was total Raymond and then he turned and walked off. I was COMPELLED to ask him if he knew Raymond. The gentleman stopped dead in his tracks, turned to me and said "Do I know him? He was my BEST FRIEND!" This friend was acquired when he finally decided he could work a regular job. The friend was in the truck behind him when he had the first heart attack. I had heard the first name but never met him although his only Son had. Just stopped by to say Hi!
That job became permanent and then ended for me, another job ended, I took another temp job that turned into almost permanent. At nearly the two year mark a conversation with one of 3 coworkers led to "Raymond is Ray?" I know Ray, he and my husband did pigeons together, I've met his Son! That's your Son? He was great to us, we Loved him, great mechanic, he could fix anything, he would come at the drop of a hat to help, never take a payment, joking carrying on... oh my, I just can't believe this.." in a town with about 60,000 folks, an area of about 90,000 folks and in a secure facility with only 3 coworkers on a temp job.. Just stopped by to say Hi!
"Another night slowly closes in and I feel so lonely."
I have spent the last 4 days going over things I never would have remembered had it not been for this last "Hi". I love and miss him dearly and at first blush thought he was letting me know from the other side that he was doing what he could to watch over us and to provide some comfort for me. Then the side of me that would not go to coffee would take over and provide the alternate argument that he was once again just messing with my head and all he was doing was screwing with me.... I finally came to the place to put it in the hands of God and asked for resolution in a way that I could totally and wholly understand. The answer within hours was playing just a little too loudly on the radio in my work room. I can't wait for reunion...
The Flame
Cheap Trick
Another night slowly closes in
And I feel so lonely
Touching heat freezing on my skin
I pretend you still hold me
I'm going crazy, I'm losing sleep
I'm in too far, I'm in way too deep over you
I can't believe you're gone
You were the first, you'll be the last
Wherever you go, I'll be with you
Whatever you want, I'll give it to you
Whenever you need someone
To lay your heart and head upon
Remember, after the fire, after all the rain
I will be the flame
I will be the flame
Watching shadows move across the wall
I feel so frightened
I wanna run to you, I wanna call
But I've been hit by lightning
Just can't stand up for fallin' apart
Can't see through this veil across my heart, over you
You'll always be the one
You were the first, you'll be the last
Wherever you go, I'll be with you
Whatever you want, I'll give it to you
Whenever you need someone
To lay your heart and head upon
Remember, after the fire, after all the rain
I will be the flame
I will be the flame
I'm going crazy, I'm losing sleep
I'm in too far, I'm in way too deep over you
You'll always be the one
You were the first, you'll be the last
Wherever you go, I'll be with you
Whatever you want, I'll give it to you
Whenever you need someone
To lay your heart and head upon
Remember, after the fire, after all the rain
I will be the flame
I will be the flame
Whatever you want, I'll give it to you
Wherever you go, I'll be with you
And whatever you want, I'll give it to you
Songwriters: Nick Graham / Bob Mitchell
The Flame lyrics © EMI Music Publishing, Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC