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Searching for a new job has become a scary, scarier and totally hopeless task. When you tip the scales at 65 and there are dozens of other applicants much younger than you, the effort seems totally wasted... and yet, there are only a couple more months worth of savings and then the fat lady has sung the last song. There is no choice but to continue. I've worn out my prayer bones, requested prayers from strangers and even reapplied for a job this week that the guy listed in another venue after interviewing me but not hiring me. I thought the interview went well... obviously he did not. I'm at my wits end, eBay sales have tanked, I have his only Son to take care of and I'm scared to death. As I began the last part of the path today, this beautiful poem appeared. I will do my level best not to Quit.
More rough days, finding myself going down the rabbit hole of us. Then this ... peaceful, loving, hopeful and forgiving. Signature Raymond from the River Bottom straight to my heart at peace in his arms.
I'm at the stage in this process that I am recognizing my role in my destruction while trying to show Raymond that I just didn't care which was all bluster and bravado and very much Fake News. It's humbling, humiliating and heartbreaking all at the same time to finally realize after nearly 50 years that your reactions were more harmful than anything Raymond did... well except maybe Russian Roulette.. that was a real ball buster. It choked off all reason and crashed through to the speedway of Hell on Wheels. I had no competition in my destruction. I was way ahead of Raymond in this race. It seemed that I had learned how to beat a Horse to death and keep on beating it before he even came along. It was not well thought out, only occasionally planned and 100% not recognized until recently, even though he had brought this up earlier this year infusing me with the thought that one of the things he hoped we could heal was beating an issue to death... it only enlarged the issue, estranged us and sometimes led to the next intermission. Ultimately, neither one of us could let an issue go. Exhibited differently but the same at it's core, hence the rant we played over and over for each other "I Love You but I Hate You" I am very grateful that a New Day is coming... and especially grateful for this very personal message from Raymond shining through a Sea of Guilt. I WANT TO STROLL OVER HEAVEN WITH YOU - Alan Jackson If I survey all the good things that come to me from above If I count all the blessings from the storehouse of love I'd simply ask for the favor of him beyond mortal king And I'm sure he would grant it again I want to stroll over Heaven with you some glad day When all our troubles and heartaches are vanished away Then we'll enjoy the beauty where all things are new I want to stroll over Heaven with you So many places of beauty we long to see here below But time and treasures have kept us from making plans as you know But come the morning of rapture together we'll stand a new While I stroll over Heaven with you I want to stroll over Heaven with you some glad day When all our troubles and heartaches are vanished away Then we'll enjoy the beauty where all things are new I want to stroll over Heaven with you written by Carl L. Trivette in 1952 Alan Jackson recorded in 2006. Copyright: Lyrics © Original Writer and Publisher
I got so caught up trying to be tough and get through 46 years that I didn't realize that I had erased the Proposal. I had placed it where the Sun didn't shine.
I would talk about being left at the Alter, I bought my own wedding ring with Road Runners on it to prove that I could run too, I told the stories over and over of being acknowledged as his Wife at the Wake. Those closest to him from the early days still remembered "us" and recognized the original plan of "us" being husband and wife. I'm very grateful for that. Like me, they never really accepted that that didn't happen. I knew and lived the story and that seemed good enough. Raymond admitted woefully during every drunken beat down of my door that he ran from the Ceremony for our life. He apologized for doing it to us more times than I can possibly remember however he wasn't beating on my door sober in the daylight and by the time he was sober and we had returned from out of State he had had a major heart attack and had married the distraction for the sake of. I know that he truly regretted not showing up for the Ceremony til the day he died but in the early years he was still on the run and still on the bottle from the ghosts of Nam. To survive, I lived a life trying to replace him and doing many things to spite him. To do that required that I totally black out the asking itself ... until a few months ago. The memory hit me like a freight train after being buried in a ton of bricks. Beautiful sweet heartfelt loving secret talk leading to a humble asking if I would be his Wife made and accepted on the River Bottoms. Our love had already been sealed, the forging was complete, we made preliminary plans for the Ceremony and the beginning of our life together .. and then... I could never have imagined what followed a few short months later. The memories' beauty and the peaceful sense of right and life that accompanied the proposal actually blew up within seconds of raising it's head, as explosive as a hand grenade and as deadly as a Bouncing Betty. I couldn't hold the whole memory for several days. I had to sort of put my toes in the water and work my way up from the peacefulness of our nest in the Bottoms, the sound of the water, the wind and the birds and then a few words at a time. I have to stop myself before I go down our rabbit hole completely without benefit of recent insights or reconciliations. And Then Along Comes Raymond... When it all goes crazy and the thrill is gone When the days get rainy and the nights get long When you get that feelin you were born to lose Starin' at your ceiling feelin' the blues Life has taken a number of purely Crap turns in the last 3 or so months. Enough turns that per my excellent Raymond training, I denned up. Denning up is a two edge sword, plenty of victims - sometimes a survivor. One never knows how it's going to play out. When I went to the hole, I chose to go by myself so I cut off the steady Raymond stream of support and new found communication between us. I'm not sure how he got through to me a couple of days ago but he always had a knack about finding me...no matter what... Just Remember I love You and it'll be all right. There is still a lot going on with no resolution and quite frankly I'm dog ass tired... hence the hole. My job was yanked out from under me in May after assurances that the Contract Bridge was being prepared for the express purpose of keeping me. Even the Division Director told me and my go to Lead personally that they did not want to "Lose Me", however it turns out that unbeknownst to her, to my go to Lead, to my Company or to myself the Contract was prepared by the Department Lead for someone else using my documentation on the Process utilized to do the job to prepare the Contract. I'm literally too old to be able to pick up a new job johnny on the spot. It has been 6 weeks, 4 failed interviews and one in the pipe. I keep asking how does it get any better than this and what else is possible? Surely there is a forever home for me somewhere. State Unemployment mandated me to come in for a "Retraining and Assessment" appointment. Retraining for what I don't know, I'm in the "can't teach an old dog new tricks" category. I was mad as Hell for having to go in to have someone talk down to me after 46 years in basically the same type of Administrative jobs in a variety of specialized fields due to the moving around that I had to do. I was pretty amused when the Assessor told me that I should be teaching the Resume Classes... she had never seen a Client resume done so well.... Other than that, the whole thing was a waste of her time and mine. Just remember I Love you and it will be all right Next in line is the Dentist, you know ... the one with the Crown. Three months after a cleaning, 4 cavities and a crown I went back for the last exam and cleaning that would be covered by the insurance because I have no idea how long before I have insurance again. Three more cavities, one of which is not covered because it was filled within the last 24 months. How does that happen in 3 months when the only thing that has changed is your employment status? and then... the cleaning and the exam turns out not to be covered... even though the Dentist office told me my insurance covered 2 cleanings a calendar year. I asked them to make sure there was not an every 6 months limitation and they assured me in 3 phone calls that was not the case. No job, unemployment issues and a $300 dentist bill. Next, God help you when you turn 65 and you get to experience the joys of signing up for Medicare... which comes in parts and turns out is NOT Free, just another racket. So I had to fork over $536 for part B of that lovely plan... with no job and unemployment issues. Like I said, quite frankly I'm dog ass tired.. hence the hole. The only saving grace is the reminder from Raymond to reach out. JUST REMEMBER I LOVE YOU Firefall When it all goes crazy and the thrill is gone When the days get rainy and the nights get long When you get that feelin you were born to lose Starin' at your ceiling feelin' the blues When there's so much trouble that you want to cry When your love has crumbled and you don't know why When your hopes are fading and they can't be found Dreams have left you waiting friends let you down Well just remember I love you And it'll be all right Just remember I love you More than I can say just remember I love you Maybe all your blues will fade away When you need a lover and you're down so low And you start to wonder but you never know When it seems like sorrow is your only friend Knowing that tomorrow you'll feel this way again When the blues come callin' at the break of dawn When the rain keeps fallin' but the rainbow's gone When you feel like cryin' but the tears won't come Then your dreams are dyin' when you're on the run Just remember I love you And it'll be all right Just remember I love you More than I can say just remember I love you Maybe all your blues will wash away Songwriters: ROBERTS Just Remember I Love You lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC " I wish there were do overs...
I need to go have coffee with him." Do Overs would be nice... I'd like to hold his hand, pull him in for a kiss and whisper in his ear that I finally understand this message. "We did not have an agreement for "til death do us part". Parting at death was never entertained." "So I'll hold you as close as I can Longing for the day, when I see your face again" I have no idea why Raymond has become the subject of this blog. I certainly had other intentions for it. What I do know...with a great sense of peace and relief is that the message, the really big message he has been trying to knock into my head is 5 fold and repetitive. I've gone over his death story probably a thousand times and never gleaned from it the simple truth. 1. Raymond and I did not have an agreement for "til death do us part". 2. Raymond did have an agreement with the distraction to part at death and he did so immediately. 3. Raymond ignored the Mother in Law at the Wake via the old roommate.
5. Raymond introduced me as his wife at the Wake to friends and most importantly to specific members of his Family via his favorite Bartender. Only Raymond and I would know of the significance of each of these. The chickens finally came home to roost in more ways than one. "You know I love you, I always will My mind's made up by the way that I feel There's no beginning, there'll be no end 'Cause on my love you can depend I see your face before me As I lay on my bed I cannot get to thinking Of all the things you said You gave your promise to me and I gave mine to you I need someone beside me in everything I do You know I love you, I always will" I turned to him and stated these facts one by one. He nodded and told me to remember them every time I started to go down our Rabbit Hole and to use them to get through tough times, that he would be waiting for me and to try not to cry. I cried anyway... Then he did a "Home James" in his Dandy pose... and I cried some more. "This intermission is different and yet the same. He refused to die until he was alone with myself and his only Son. I could take up a lot more space with stories during life that exemplified this ending however much of the substance is that unspoken language between two forged beings. I was waiting in his kitchen for his Wake time to start. One of his old roommates came in, looked at the Mother in Law without a word and then looked at me, called me by name and said "Thank God you're here! I'm so sorry!" Just stopped by to say Hi! After the ceremony and very near the time that I left, I went through the front porch into the living room to look for someone. Several people were there including a sister and other family members. His favorite Bartender was telling some Raymond stories as I sat down. She stopped and introduced me to the room as his Wife, once again calling me by name. Just stopped by to say Hi!" LIFE is a HIGHWAY Chris LeDoux Life's like a road that you travel on When there's one day here and the next day gone Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand Sometimes you turn your back to the wind There's a world outside every darkened door Where blues won't haunt you anymore Where the brave are free and lovers soar Come ride with me to the distant shore We won't hesitate, break down the garden gate There's not much time left today Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long Through all these cities and all these towns It's in my blood and it's all around I love you now like I loved you then This is the road and these are the hands From Tennessee to those LA nights The San Antone' to Vegas lights Knock me down get back up again You're in my blood I'm not a lonely man There's no load I can't hold Road so rough, this I know I'll be there when the light comes in Tell 'em we're survivors Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long There was a distance between you and I A misunderstanding once but now We look it in the eye There's no load I can't hold Road so rough this I know I'll be there when the light comes in Tell 'em we're survivors Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long Life is a highway I want to ride it all night long If you're going my way I want to drive it all night long Written by Thomas William Cochrane • Copyright © Universal Music Publishing Group It's been a confusing week at best. The schizophrenic weather has been as confused as I am. Our Only Son has been in a great deal of pain as a result of it. Work issues still persist that in my personal opinion could have been resolved weeks ago, Rather than telling me two months ago, information has just been made known to me that would have greatly eased my mind in regards to a Contract Bridge in my employment. A repair issue has been discovered in my home with my toilet and my floor that can only be resolved slowly due to the physical impairment of our Only Son. The root cause of the problem is still being reviewed. And then there are the damn income taxes and the ridiculous penalty via OC that had been implemented for having no insurance for our Only Son. This whole issue is another story which actually has already been posted about. Although the new President did issue an Executive Order regarding this, there is no clear answer about paying the penalty which I am hard pressed to be able to do. As I drove up to the Dentist's office mid-week to get my crown prep work done, I was struck with a pretty good asthma attack.. I was fine until I stopped the truck, then I wasn't fine so it took awhile to get ramped back down with the laughing gas which never makes me laugh. Couldn't figure out what was up with this until it was time for the temporary to be seated and then it became abundantly clear. Although I have gone to this Dentist for almost 30 years, they have recently had some questionable Assistant changes... and I got one of the questionables assigned to seat it. Needless to say, I was back in the office first thing the next morning with my temp crown in a paper cup. The thing to note here is that the place in me that "knows" knew there would be some sort of trouble with this and hence the asthma attack. I can never explain this. Raymond came to not question it either. Sometimes things just are and I know them without knowing them. This week has been very frustrating as I'm a point and shoot kind of a person when it comes to problem solving so foot dragging, not getting direct answers and not doing the job drive me crazy. Once I began to understand from Raymond about standing up for myself this "trait" emerged as a giant genie that try as he would he could never quite stuff back into the bottle. "So please believe me My heart is in your hands And I'll be missing you" As Raymond's presence has been very strong the last few months, I asked for his help in addition to God's and Archangel Michael's in keeping his only Son calm in regards to the toilet situation and also asked if he could share some helpful repair info with him. I chose to leave a note about it so that his Only Son could have his ballistic reaction pretty much over with by the time I got home from work. I spent the whole morning agonizing with several different scenarios playing through my mind. Somewhere around noon, I heard Raymond say "don't worry about it" and all the tension drained from my body. By the time I got home I had forgotten all about it. His Only Son had done some assessment with no clear answers and sure enough, he approached me in a questioning "well now what" and "it looks like this" frame of mind rather than being stuck to the ceiling. When we got to the part of the conversation regarding what tools and supplies may be needed for repairs he immediately asked if I remembered the flooring in his Dad's kitchen to see if I would like to replace it with that.... I don't remember the flooring in his Dad's kitchen, but I do remember that I asked his Dad to help him with suggestions for repairs. Just stopped by to say Hi! The morning after the crown incident, Raymond presented himself to me in a sudden electrifying and lengthy manner. Another intense and compelling flood of his Love, tenderness, circumstance information, unsolved problem resolution and an undeniable statement of his intent and resolve towards me left me in a state of pure peace for several hours. Peace that was filled with answers and no more puzzles, acknowledgement of just knowing that the puzzles are not so important anymore. Peaceful acknowledgement that I have been running for my Life since the night that he told me I deserved someone better than him and peaceful acknowledgement that I no longer need to keep running. It was an amazing feeling and incredible experience that lasted several hours. Just stopped by to say Hi! And then, just as suddenly as it started it stopped. I couldn't feel him with me anymore. I continued to talk to him from time to time however, I just didn't feel as hooked up with him for a couple of days as I had been feeling for the last few months. I'm not sure where he went off too and in the end it really doesn't matter. This other worldly thing can be pretty frustrating as well. Although I have been to the "other side", the only thing I remember about it is the incredible peace, the light, the window, Raymond and his instruction about the window...and that I was not at all happy to be brought back. Today Raymond returned with this song. I can't even put into words what this means to me. This is totally about our scene at his Death. Although he remained unconscious, I "knew" he was waiting for the distraction to get out of his room. We had had too many conversations about this. The words of the song sum up what he got across to me in the moments we were finally alone. He sent me this in sort of a blast as soon as I took his hand and told him it was just him and me and his only Son, that the distraction had left the building. Then he started to relax his breathing a bit, we spoke a little to him, he totally relaxed and then he caught that train and left us. So today's song is to renew and refresh our Contract. It is also a reminder to not freak out during times that he may be otherwise occupied on the "other side" and to support him over there with all my Love and strength just as he is supporting me with all of his Love and strength over here on this side in our own Contract Bridge because literally, his Heart is in my hands. The importance of this seemingly simple action may never have occurred to me without this "Hi!" and I'm sure that it has not occurred to many others.
WELCOME HOME RAYMOND!
I can't even begin to fathom how much having this day Memorialized affected him. This war ran deep. It took over a generation of unsuspecting folks at home as well as those who served in ways that are still manifesting today.
I wish that there been an awareness at the time to expand traditional behavior in dealing with those who came home.... in other words Raymond, I wish to Hell that I had been able to fully comprehend what you went through and what you were going through and how trying to carry on a normal life let alone an over the top relationship tipped you upside down and sideways. You did try to tell me pieces of your pain but I still just didn't get the depth. I am deeply sorry for compounding these issues by being bullheaded and pistol ready. I am very grateful that we have been able to continue all these years through all our drama in our not normal fashion and still feel and carry the love that drove us at the very beginning.
"There will be another Angel around the throne tonight"
Raymond would get a good laugh over this "Heathen Angel" thought. For me, not so funny but I can see it's appeal to him. It's strangely comforting to receive communications from him in the form of Songs and Lyrics. We had a few favorite songs. We both had favorite singers and groups and although I loved most of his, he was not all that fond of mine. Mostly he tolerated them but sometimes the Teaser in him would just take over and be ruthless for awhile. Generally we would collapse in laughter at the end of these episodes which as a rule led to some of the brief moments of respite in the intenseness of love, tenderness and laughter as mentioned previously. Intense being the operative word. We did nothing without intenseness. "I'm just jealous of the Angels around the Throne tonight!" For whatever reason, at this time it seems that he has chosen songs that I instantly relate to and zero in on what he is trying to tell me. I told him even Heathens needed Angels or folks who acted like Angels and he hesitated, paused and redirected. So here we are with a great Irish singer and a beautiful heartfelt song stating my truth at this time in this plane on earth while the "Irish" part of it reflects our Black Irish Heritage, the undeniable blood evidence of our forging and the inescapable path of our future. The songs he sends to me make perfect sense. The timing and delivery are spot on and the look, feel and sense of the whole operation is done in true Raymond Fashion with a few feathers hanging out of his mouth.. but I digress. I'm truly thankful for this plethora of information, communication and opportunity. It had been a very long dry spell without him. "I didn't know today would be our last Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door And tell me that I was only dreamin' You're not really gone as long as I believe" Way back when, when I moved back into the State all those years ago, his only Son had a friend that lived a few doors down that had a heart of gold, not much sense and was wilder and crazier than anything I had ever seen... if that was even possible. This kid was over the top. If you were on his side, you had no better protection and a laugh a minute. If you were on his wrong side you had no worse enemy, there was no mercy and no humor. Fun loving, wilder than a March Hare, crazy, loyal and big hearted he found himself a girlfriend while they were teens that somehow was able to bring him down a notch or two so that at least a finger stayed in reality. She was able to ride with him in the wind of his life through dramas that may have surpassed Raymond's and mine or not... it's hard to say but this friend of His only Son lived extremely hard and his loving relationship with the girlfriend, like ours was tumultuous for years and yet finally miraculously two or three years ago he came around, pulled his head out, they got back together and got married in August 2016. The wedding pics are beautiful... and so is his Obituary which includes that contrary to rumor, he was not a hit man for the mob..... Cause of his Death, like Raymond's was Cardiac Arrest two days after our Irish Day. They have a new babe and now she is utterly fucking alone. I can't make sense of this, spent the night dreaming about the whole thing and couldn't really figure out why as I personally have not seen this young man for several years... heard many stories but have not seen him. I finally asked what the message was, why does this have such an impact on me. Raymond's imprint was swift. Even had our Love gotten it's shit together in this lifetime and we had been able to go forth into the world fairly normally together as we had planned in the early days, there was this small problem of no guarantee no proof of life to sustain it in the physical world. I would have gotten too comfortable. He would still have left early and likely left me and ours much as the new Wife is today... not only totally adrift but with more mouths to feed and completely unprepared for this twist of loss to be without him after finally getting right... and I would not have climbed out of the twist. Raymond's choice for us did in fact prepare us for his early departure as much as it hurt and as much as it sucks. Genetics have a way of trumping best wishes and long range plans. I was prepared for that shoe to drop and yet when it did... I was still totally lost and adrift without him, blindsided. It doesn't matter how much time I ended up walking alone before he died because in Life I knew we would be reunited and with that there would be a physical continuing ... to see, to hear, to touch. When Death finally came, it put this in a whole new light and with a different delivery system ... He made sure that when he did pass, he passed in the Loving arms of just Myself and His Only Son. He sent his message loud and clear to us and to others. The continuing continues now without interference. We did not have an agreement for "til death do us part". Parting at death was never entertained. "So I'll hold you as close as I can Longing for the day, when I see your face again" Now he plays songs for me and I listen sometimes wondering what in world he is up to. He wakes me up with his laughter and leads me to some of our inside jokes. Occasionally he sends me one of his birds or one of his or our friends. I laugh, I cry, I wonder why he waited til now to tell me. I feel his intense Love and also his frustration with our early days and years and Russian Roulette. I untangle memories that have been frozen in time, I complete unfinished arguments, compliments, arrangements, laugh at the inside jokes, address miscommunications and faulty presumptions on both sides ... and I still melt at his touch just like I always did. "Your Love lives on inside of me and I will hold on tight" I'll take that Lifeboat! No matter how far we stretched the limits with each other, in sweet repose when I was at rock bottom and in sweet repose when he was at rock bottom, we held and held on to each other in Love, a Love that for some reason just could not get it's shit together for the life of it ...at least in this time and place. We never rekindled... we always continued. "You were the first, you'll be the last Wherever you go, I'll be with you Whatever you want, I'll give it to you Whenever you need someone To lay your heart and head upon Remember, after the fire, after all the rain I will be the flame" ///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Jealous of the Angels Jenn Bostic, sung by Donna Taggart I didn't know today would be our last Or that I'd have to say goodbye to you so fast I'm so numb, I can't feel anymore Prayin' you'd just walk back through that door And tell me that I was only dreamin' You're not really gone as long as I believe There will be another angel Around the throne tonight Your love lives on inside of me, And I will hold on tight It's not my place to question, Only God knows why I'm just jealous of the angels Around the throne tonight You always made my troubles feel so small And you were always there to catch me when I'd fall In a world where heroes come and go Well God just took the only one I know So I'll hold you as close as I can Longing for the day, when I see your face again But until then God must need another angel Around the throne tonight Your love lives on inside of me And I will hold on tight It's not my place to question Only God knows why I'm just jealous of the angels Around the throne tonight Singin' hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah I'm just jealous of the angels Around the throne Tonight Written by Barrett Yeretsian, Jenn Bostic, Jimmy Fortune, Zach Rundquist • Copyright © Fortune Publishing, LLC, BMG Rights Management US, LLC |
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